As I opened, Lauren burstin, making me take a step back into our living room."I brought someone along," she said, "I hope you don't mind."It was not l...ike Lauren was the only person who had seen me in women'sclothes, though I would still have liked more time to prepare for that.On the other hand, nothing could have prepared me for the shock ofseeing my own mother as I opened the door. Suddenly, all my strengthseemed to vanish from me, and I had to hold on the door just to keep mefrom collapsing. Ek baar woh mere biwi se kehne lagi aapke pati kitne acche hai aapko kaam me madat karte hai mere yeh to raat ko aate hai khana khate hai aur so jaate hai,mujhe laga ke sushma mujhe sanket de rahi hai ke usse apni pati se apni chut ki pyaas nahi buzha paa rahi hai.Maine thaan lee ke uski pyass mai buzhakar rahunga.Mai call centre me night shift karta tha aur meri biwi bhi office jati thi toh din bhar mai ghar pe hi rehta tha aur sushma bhi akeli thi.Ek din mere biwi ne sushma ko kaha ke uske. From about the age of eight I played football for my primary school in London; Oxford Gardens Junior Boys, aka the Ladbroke Grove Cloggers.I played on the right wing and modelled my play on the then famous and illustrious Stanley Matthews. My teammates said I played more like Stanley Laurel – the young can be extremely cruel.Not long after I had taken the 11+ Examination my family moved from London to the North East of England. The result of a pupil’s 11+ Exam determined the type of school. ”Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV. Who shall I say is calling?”LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake.