I dunno, a grown-up I guess? A real person for once. A person who could throw a punch, and hurt somebody and be OK with that. It made me want to fuck ...and eat a cheeseburger in no particular order.Anyway since then Ethan has been looking a little.. I dunno man-boy to me. The shit I used to think was confidence now seems like lazyness, his bravado seems like dim-wittedness. I know he hasn't changed. It's the same him, the same shit, but I'm different now. It feels dissonant; frightening. Like I. I want it so badly I can hardly stand it. I can't do that though. I can't. 05/20/---CI am so proud of myself, instead of craving sex in general I have it down to one person.* I dream I make out with him every night. *[first name was footnoted at the bottom of the page in tiny writing]Birth date/---C Happy birthday, Lamb. Sure whatever. My period started yesterday...I felt so lonely in school today. I didn't tell everyone it was my birthday, but even when they did find out everyone except. After getting his opinion on several pairs, she’d felt compelled to go further.“How does it feel?” she’d asked, taking his hand and putting it onto her mostly-bare ass. His fingers never even touched the thin piece of material, but his stammering response had been overwhelmingly positive.“Good,” she’d beamed, and bought one in every colour.Dinner with Jeff had been awkward. He’d arrived home to find her putting the finishing touches on a roast pork, wearing a pastel-pink sweater and a G-string. I always became depressed around Christmas, but I could never figure out exactly why. I liked the presents and the cookies and the lights and stuff, but that just didn't seem to satisfy the question that I never had gotten a satisfactory answer for:"What _was_ Christmas all about?"Not it's origins, or its symbolic meaning, but what was it all supposed to mean? Was it supposed to be the way it was? What were you supposed to do when depressed and surrounded by happy people busily buying presents.